im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
