Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
