I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
