god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize