Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
