I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
