he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
