just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
