Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
