Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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