i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
