Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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