how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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