you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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