Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
