her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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