What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
