i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
