great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
