speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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