he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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