next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
