Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
