come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
