my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
