I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As shirtless as possible
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
