ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
