my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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