i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
