A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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