I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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