I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
