I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
