butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
