Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize