god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize