Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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