My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
