Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
