just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize