Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
