Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
