Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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