I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Randomize