I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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