This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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