Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
