how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
