if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize