Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
