i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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