My friends, they love my intelligence
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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