The best revenge is premature balding
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
