I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize