theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
