The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
