she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
