You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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