It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
