since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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