Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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