You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I looked at my own cervix.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
