remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
