Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
