hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
