I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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